1. Notes: 38 / 4 months ago  from samich (originally from jawncharles)

   lamortraison:

   jawncharles:

   warning: this is going to be my most personal blog post ever.

   most of high school’s curriculum did not interest me. to me, it seems like high school grades are determined by how well you are able to follow directions and how well you are able to conform. my high school didn’t teach us to think critically. because of this, i never put much effort into my grades. however, now that i’m in college, i’m learning about things that fascinate me. my next research paper is on the media and how it affects teen’s self-esteem.

   as most of you know, i officially came out of the closet to my sister and friends after i graduated high school, early in the summer of 2009. most of my high school years were spent denying who i was. for a long time i thought i would be able to hide my homosexuality for the rest of my life. i became obsessed with trying to hide my gayness. whenever i would meet a new person, my first thought would always be to “act straight.” i was so insecure about who i was. because of my insecurities about my sexuality, i didn’t have time to be insecure about anything else.

   now that i’ve been out, i feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. when i meet people, i don’t give a fuck whether or not they suspect i am gay. for a couple of months i felt great having not to worry about what others thought of me. but things have changed.

   with one horrible insecurity vanishing, another has blossomed. i have become obsessed with my looks now. i hate how i look. i hate my face, i hate my body, i hate my hair, i hate my skin, i hate my eyes. i hate everything. i’ve never told anyone about how insecure i am about my appearance. i hate when people to view me as weak.

   i don’t think the media can be entirely blamed for my insecurities, but i know they play a major role. all i see are beautiful people. on tv, in the movies, in commercials, on billboards. everywhere i turn, i see people that don’t look human. they are perfect. they are flawless. and i want to be just like them. this sounds so ridiculous and irrational, but it’s true. the worst part is, i know how crazy my thoughts are, but they affect me nonetheless.

   i’m tired of hating how i look. i’m tired of constantly telling myself how disgusting i am. i’ve begun exercising a lot, which has helped a little, but i haven’t gotten the results i’m looking for. i know things like this take time. i’m trying to be patient, but it’s hard.

   i’ve come to the realization that feeling insecure is a part of life. if you say you aren’t insecure about one part of yourself, you’re lying. i’m realizing that if it’s not one thing, it’s another. i’m just hoping that one day i can truly be confident with the person i am, both physically and mentally.

   i’m optimistic about this though, which is what keeps me going.

   Well, I might not know you at all, really, but get this straight [omg unintentional pun!], you are hot.

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2. Notes

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   10. hystericalconfession reblogged this from travs and added:

       “ i’m just hoping that one day i can truly be confident with the person i am, both physically and mentally.”

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       the best and most wonderful advice i ever got on being gay was from my friend seth: he said, “even if you’re 300 lbs and...

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   22. andyv01c0m reblogged this from jawncharles and added:

       I honestly believe...gay community is partially at fault

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   38. jawncharles posted this
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hi, i'm travis, and i'm queer. welcome to the place i post things i find funny, interesting, or important. please enjoy.

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